Welcome to my "revenge of the goddamned hippie tree-huggers" page. All of the writings below, except the last piece, are from about 15 years ago, when I still smoked pot. Shushoom Thuriam, lord of the bush, was born out of my experiences in Jamaica and St. Maarten. What follows are excerpted from an unpublished novel I have lying around. I'm not happy with it as a whole, but some of the bits are interesting. Some of this has been published before in the appendix to "Life in the House of Death". Hopefully, it will make you laugh.

The last piece was written recently. I don't know where it came from, it just popped out of my head one afternoon.

Bonne Nuit
Daniel

De lord of de Bush

Shushoom Thuriam is lord of the Bush and of all smoke wot uplifts the spirits of men.

It is written in "De Most Holy Book" by none other than Shushoom Thuriam himself:

"In de beginning were de bush. De bush were de ganja."

"Shushoom Thuriam taste of de bush and were glad."

"Shushoom Thuriam say dis be good."

The rest of "De Most Holy Book" goes on to declare how Shushoom Thuriam, stoned out of his mind, created the universe out of a hemp seed. Now this matter is clearly a mystery and therefore Not To Be Declared. Though one might say imagination will suffice for the wise. The method is analogous to creating an universe from the void. Amen?

The chosen of Shushoom Thuriam taste of the bush and are glad. But of good & evil they do not speak.

Looking closely into a cloud of the sweet smoke do they perceive Shushoom Thuriam. Most see only a face, the face of a rasta man. It is slightly round with burning red eyes and hair of gold, brown, red and green. All the colours of fine sinsemellia. Some few say they have seen the body of Shushoom Thuriam. And they say he has the body of a panther of the jungle, and his colour is black.

His chosen often talk late into the night whilst partaking of the herb. This is how their other holy book came to be written, aptly titled "De Udder Most Holy Book".

Undertaken as a bold new move in practical religion, the people of Shushoom Thuriam all opened themselves to him. Calling out for him to issue his divine utterance through them.

Those who were appointed to write did so, on the same page & at the same time, starting from different directions and colliding at the center. Those who were appointed to speak did so, simultaneously. All present, wrapped snugly within the embrace of Shushoom Thuriam, felt a great joy when it had been accomplished. Their weaving, drunken parade to the temple changed instantly to a solemn placing of a holy relic within its shrine.

In the morning, upon examining "De Udder Most Holy Book", they all agreed upon making neither head nor tail of the strange beast set before them. But as it was holy, they should not destroy it. (The grandsons of the children of those present, having become a bit wiser, later on declared Shushoom Thuriam a deaf mute, incapable of either writing or dictating a book.)

Now Shushoom Thuriam lives in all smoke wot turns men's minds. And he sees the birds come to eat a few seeds and fly away, happy but erratic, singing joyously. Animals come to eat of the bush with smiles in their hearts and upon their faces. And men. Men come upon the bush, some walking openly and some furtively skulking. To the former - vision and sensation beyond dream. To the latter - a soar and a crash.

And to me, he grants this short writing.

All praise be to Shushoom Thuriam, lord of the Bush and of all smokes wot shines upon the shadows of imagination.

The Book of the Budding Sweet Leaf

"And it came to pass, Shushoom Thuriam bethought himself of man. And lo!, man sprang from the thought of Shushoom Thuriam.

"Shushoom Thuriam had created a paradise & set it apart from all else. Encircled by water it was, cut off from the rest of Iraya. Here he placed men & women, calling them his chosen. He bid them, male and female, to do as they would - save in the case of the bush. The bush was sacrosanct, not to be partaken of lest they become lordlings of their own devising.

"The earliest men & women passed their days engrossed in the beauties of paradise. They knew nothing of the higher life. The later inhabitants of the garden grew curious. On clear nights one could hear them muttering, wondering, looking out at a beauty they could not quite comprehend. One man and one woman, waxing bold, stole upon the bush under stars. They partook of the bush together.

"Whereupon a flash of insight dawned upon Adamas and Yacinth, imparting the knowledge of higher things.

"Most assiduously did they put into practice their stolen knowledge. Reverberations of their activities echoed throughout the gardens, forests & fields of paradise.

"Shushoom Thuriam, perceiving what had come to pass, immediately isolated Adamas and Yacinth from the other inhabitants. He gave of the couple earth upon which to dwell, sending them out of paradise and unto the rest of Iraya. Publicly, he banished them from paradise, setting up safeguards against their return. He condemned them to die & experience much pain and hardship, yet to beget & endure greater pleasures.

"The others whispered amongst themselves. Desiring not to lose the pleasures of paradise they refrained from investigating the bush. And so it goes, ever.

"Shushoom Thuriam rejoiced mightily at having found two unto whom he might divulge his knowledge, the knowledge of higher things. Shushoom Thuriam followed the progress of Adamas and Yacinth avidly, eventually abandoning the paradise he created and its inhabitants.

"And so it was that Shushoom Thuriam became a lord of Iraya."

Glory Daze

In the time before time was recorded, it was, when Yacinth and Adamas were cast upon Iraya. The island upon which they found themselves they called Annaiz.

Shushoom Thuriam bestowed upon them mastery of all Iraya. Beasts of the land, beasts of the water, beasts of the air; all were created by the power of Shushoom Thuriam for their own pleasure. Shushoom Thuriam caused the green things to grow and the rains to fall, Iraya ever to turn upon itself & the sun to shine mercilessly. (All lords like to take credit for things they just found. It allows them to spout off about how special they are.)

All life upon Iraya existed for its own pleasure; to watch and wonder. Iraya itself was continual diversity. As Adamas and Yacinth were yet young, Shushoom Thuriam made known unto Yacinth the way of continuity. (Also giving Yacinth her first child - Azriael, which may or may not have something to do with why it was communicated to Adamas in quick succession.) Yacinth in turn communicated this unto Adamas, even as they shared all knowledge of the higher things.

Through time, Yacinth and Adamas populated Annaiz. As their children and grandchildren dispersed it was discovered they were surrounded by water. And still the family grew.

But they cared not, for those were the glory days. They were close to their lord and his specially chosen ones. Manna from on high rained down upon them, showered them with sustenance. Who cared to think of the future?

Shushoom Thuriam would visit during what became known as "the great smoke outs", taking on physical form from the smoke of the bush. The people of Annaiz learned to cultivate the bush before they gave any thought towards food. And they ate some very strange things during bouts of "the munchies".

But the bush sustained them, as did the influence from on high. Gradually their insight and discernment turned them on to food. (Imagine the surprise of the animals who, used to these people getting them stoned, suddenly found themselves being slaughtered and cooked - and not necessarily in that order.) Yes, the people of Annaiz had discovered meat! Even to the point of trying some cooking experiments with each other. ("Tastes like chicken. So why not eat chicken instead? They're easier to catch.")

Slowly the people of Annaiz gained strength and knowledge.

~~~^~~~

In the days when but a handful of people inhabited Annaiz, the bush was partaken of collectively. All in a circle, the smoke towards the center. Here the lord of the Bush appeared as was his wont, surrounded by the holy incense. Here he played tricks on his people, or shewed forth mysteries. (Quite often, both.)

Just about sunset they would gather. As the last rays of the sun lit the sky two burnt red eyes would peer forth from the smoke. Then a jovial face followed by the glistening body of a panther the colour of midnight. The smoke of the circle would flow about him in wild patterns, generating a subdued green-gold light.

Here follows an excerpt from a dialogue between Yacinth and Shushoom Thuriam.)

Yacinth was the first to speak.

"O Shushoom Thuriam, lord of the Bush, lord of all smoke wot illumines the dusty corridors of thought, lord of the ever bountiful harvest, and high rejoicing.... need I go on?"

Shushoom Thuriam shakes his head no. Yacinth smiles her thanks. (Shushoom Thuriam's full titles number fifty-seven.)

"O lord, how is it we have named everything yet do not understand what things are? For instance - how is it the clouds come to float within Girreh, the great sky? How do they grace men and other beasts with shade and rains?"

Silence reigned for a time about the circle.

"De clouds be created from de smoke o' de bush. De smoke travel up, huddlin' togedder. It coalesce to form de clouds. Shushoom Thuriam intensifies dem by de power o' Shushoom Thuriam."

"By day, de clouds travel de great sky, bringin de smoke to de sunlight an de birds. gracin Girreh wit de scent o' my hair. Dey bring shade from de sun on high an rains to de ground on low. Dis be when de sun be fierce, burnin de backs o' de clouds. As dey weep an cry out, so it rains an tunders."

"At night some leap up to drift among de stars an aquire colours. Dese bring de smoke to places dat know not Shushoom Thuriam, an dey be glad."

Shushoom Thuriam took of the smoke present and wove a cloud, intensifying it by the power of Shushoom Thuriam. Within he set a rainbow flashing in all directions at once. Shushoom Thuriam set it free to travel the great sky, glowing many colours, being as an ornament to the infinite beauty which is Girreh.

With that, Shushoom Thuriam was gone. (Lords never stick around after answering a question, in case the answer generates even more questions. "Let 'em wonder" seems to be the predominant philosophy.)

Dead Fishies

Adamas and Yacinth walk along the shore of Annaiz enjoying the silent unveiling of the sun.

Adamas has black hair, falling to his shoulders. He stands a bit taller than Yacinth. He is fairly thin and moves with a grace one would not suspect. His face is not thin but angular, the cheekbones give the appearance of overshadowing the chin. Yacinth has brown hair, not quite black. Watching her walk next to Adamas makes him look awkward. Her face is not as sunken as his. They sit next to each other on the shore in the pre-dawn light.

The first rays of dayshine reveal a large, wrinkled brown lump sitting in the surf. The lump is Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor, lord of the Waters of the Depthless Deeps. (That is, of very little.) Verily, the waves hold Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor in such great fear they sidle gently aside from him, lest they break upon him and die.

Sh'boor has the body of an ancient walrus. Huge and brown, scarred with the wrinkles of endless time. But his face is that of a very old & senile man. His right eye is deep green, his left eye is purple. They move independently of each other.

It is said that each wrinkle in the body of Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor is an universe he has discovered and destroyed. Sh'boor has brought into being two phantasmal realms - heaven and hell. These accompany him everywhere but are nowhere to be found.

Hell is entered by displeasing Sh'boor. Many things incite him into displeasure, not all of them are recorded. (Those which are recorded, such as the eating of locusts, comprise the 333,000 page Book of Rule.) He certainly possesses a sense of sport, or half. But many grumble that the game is fixed.

Heaven, then, is for those who please Sh'boor. These lucky souls get to sing the praise of the lord of the Waters of the Depthless Deeps for all eternity. Hell is indescribable. Only a malignant and bitter lord would give birth to such a phantasy.

Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor has given himself the name "GOD". (Goodness Or Death.) His doctrine of rewards and punishments (mostly punishments) was inspired by man's treatment of the dog. Sh'boor reversed the ordering of the letters and improved upon the treatment, offering rewards only in the afterlife and only if obedient.

Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor may not be quite as mad as many think.

In a whining voice suffering through countless ages of abuse he makes his usual offer to Yacinth & Adamas.

"Follow me and thou shalt be saved when I kill thee."

Adamas and Yacinth suffer a terrible vision of themselves, dead, with none to give the death blessing of Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor. For a few moments they feel the insidious torments of hell creeping into their very bones.

Now comes the priest of Sh'boor, clad all in white, sprinkling holy water over the defunct bodies of Adamas and Yacinth. They are caught up into heaven where they chant the praises of Sh'boor for all eternity.

They think this a vision of ill repute indeed. Whilst he waits patiently for their submission, they decide higher powers than theirs are required to settle the issue.

Adamas plucks a bud from thin air. Yacinth chants a mantra which dries it instantly. She rolls while Adamas conjures a flame. They smoke whilst silently invoking Shushoom Thuriam to visible appearance.

The smoke seems to cling to an area just before them. Two red eyes narrowed to slits gaze out of the smoke at the lord of the Waters of the Depthless Deeps.

Sh'boor nervously mutters the syllables which call the winds to his aid. The smoke clears, revealing Shushoom Thuriam in all his glory. Upon a throne of jade he sits, panther body sleek and dark in the rising light. Yacinth stands to his right, Adamas to his left.

"Wot be your wish wit my companions?"

Yacinth answers. "He would have us sing his praise forever, but to do this he must kill us."

Adamas speaks. "Or he would torment us eternally, but for this he must kill us also."

Shushoom Thuriam speaks, angered. "What witcheries you be tryin to pull over de wool o' my eyes! Dis be some serious shit, mon."

Sh'boor's eyes move, one to Adamas and one to Yacinth. They collapse to the ground unconscious.

"Bring dem back or you be dead, mon."

Sh'boor pontificates. "Thine compatriots shall reside in hell for a time, times and half a time. (Which is approximately 111 seconds.) They shall taste the torture & pain of your ways of debauchery and come to love me through fear of me. They shall know the anger of my love. They shall renounce the follies of thine heathen ways to live the pure live of slavery to my eternal laws."

"Enough wit de "dey shall's". You is not to convert my people! Bring dem back, now."

Adamas and Yacinth regain consciousness with a wild light in their eyes. (Not everyone's conception of hell will be viewed as unpleasant by others. If more folk understood this, life would be much less violent.)

Sh'boor addresses them. "My children, hast thou not seen the error of thine gross and lascivious practices? Wilt thou not kneel in the dust at my feet?"

They look at Sh'boor intently for a moment, then Yacinth speaks. "Um.... Can we go back?"

Shushoom Thuriam envelopes Sh'boor in a cloud of thick smoke. When it clears Sh'boor sits stupified in the sand, gibbering and drooling.

"Come," he tells Adamas and Yacinth, "an learn how to deal wit de fanatics."

He leaps from his throne of jade with a snarl, landing before the now tranquil Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor. By the power of Shushoom Thuriam he causes a single tusk to grow out of the head of the lord of the Waters of the Depthless Deeps. This curves down to a point just above and before his nose.

To this, Shushoom Thuriam causes to be attached a fish, hanging by its tail, ever just out of reach. He causes Sh'boor to become permanently crosseyed so he will see naught but the slowly decomposing fish. No power in all the worlds save the power of Shushoom Thuriam can undo this.

Shushoom Thuriam then invokes the scribe of the lords of Iraya. He calls to Tuaden, the hand which ever writes.

"Let it be recorded. Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor shall always chase dis dream before his eyes. Never shall he catch it. Always shall he smell it. Always shall he see it. De motion of his efforts shall create worlds. Should his motion cease, dese worlds so created shall die. He shall speak neither of his heaven nor his hell to any livin' ting in all dis time. Such be de curse upon Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor, lord o' de Waters o' de Deptless Deeps, from dis time forward. From Shushoom Thuriam, lord o de Bush. Let it be recorded."

And Shushoom Thuriam set a dazed Sh'boor-Sh'b-Sh'boor, lord of the Waters of the Depthless Deeps, on the trail of his hallucinations, creating new life in his wake.

(There are some who insinuate that Sh'boor has already caught his dream of a rotten fish & that the chaos of the present day is but the slow dissolution of the worlds.)

Squish

The dome shimmers in the mid-day light.

Pa'aronath stands leaning upon his sword. He is the proud owner of a body few would dare oppose. He looks to the dome, studying.

The air around the dome constantly shimmers, the light reflecting from the surface mesmerizes Pa'aronath. The structure, on the whole, appears to flicker in and out of existence.

Pa'aronath knows beyond certainty that within the mysterious half-globe awaits a beautiful woman in need of assistance. Such is the world of Pa'aronath that no matter where he went, beautiful women needed rescuing or enemies needed killing. (Enemies of Pa'aronath include men, ugly women, old people, small animals and anything he takes a disliking to.) A simple world view, overall.

He sets out for the dome. As he walks, one stray thought crosses his mind. "At least I'm not in some bloody science fiction novel."

It turns out there really is a beautiful woman behind the glass. (At least, this is what it appears to be.) She is of royal blood, a princess. Her name is Phookme.

Pa'aronath arrives to find Phookme beating on the wall of the dome. Her clothes are torn and ragged, her hands bleeding. Hair as black as night flies about in her struggles against her prison.

He approaches slowly, drinking in the sight of her. She stands watching him watch her. Watches his eyes drink her in, one deep gulp.

"Who are you?" Pa'aronath asks as he feels the glass just where her breast peeks out through her torn shirt.

"I'm the princess," she says with an air of just having explained evrything. "Phookme," she adds helpfully.

"Best suggestion I've heard all day. Do you want to come out or should I come in?"

Phookme has put up with this all her life, to her face and behind her back. "It's my name, not an invitation," she states without blinking an eye. "Get me out of here!"

"How did you get in there, then? "

"I was walking, watching the sunrise. I take a lot of walks to escape from people like you. People who..."

"What, people who take your name smuttily and then proceed to leer at you as if they know your body and its tendencies intimately? Haven't got the slightest idea of what you mean."

"You see? Just like you!" This is said with a grin." Anyway, this thing just fell from the sky and landed over me. I've been stuck here all morning," she adds petulantly.

Pa'aronath decides it's time to get down to business. "Stand back," he warns.

He brings his blade up & about in a mighty swing which leaves his arm numb, but the dome unscathed. "So much for the spectacular," he mutters as he sets to digging out Phookme.

Pa'aronath is still digging when the daylight is blotted out. He hears the panicked cries of Phookme through the darkness. Then the light is restored.

The dome is gone!

Pa'aronath and Phookme rush into each others arms. Neither speaks of what has just occurred, nor do they look up. They stand embracing, murmuring each others names.

"O, Pa'aronath."

"Phookme."

Phookme makes good on her name.

Tirantylus has found his contact lens. After cleaning and reinserting it he glances down to where he picked it up. He spies two bugs rutting in the dirt. With a grunt of disgust, he puts his foot down. There follows a very satisfying "squish".

"I hates fooken bugs."

His voice sends the winds back, reeling.

That's All Folks

A garden appears in eternity.

Within this garden appear two beings. Bugs is a grey/white, furry long eared critter while Doc, who calls himself Elmer, is the primal Man.

They are great friends. Together they explore the confines of the garden. Bugs and Doc find and share many wonders. After some time in the garden, hunger strikes.

Bugs recalls a pleasant smell emanating from some greens upon the ground. He finds some and Elmer pulls them up.

Behold the Carrot!

Upon seeing this edible delight Bugs cries out joyously. He snatches the Carrot from Elmer's grasp and flees, seeking a haven.

Finding shelter he consumes the Carrot. His hunger is appeased, friendship for Doc returns. Bugs sets out to find him.

Elmer has been wandering. He is looking for food, not really knowing what he is looking for. Bugs finds Doc by some Carrots.

"Myaah... What's up, Doc? Here, try these."

Whereupon Elmer partakes of the Carrots and rejoices exceedingly.

Bugs continues to seek out Carrots in the wilds of the garden. Doc has decided to cultivate them. Elmer is having no small amount of success when Bugs crosses his path again.

"Myaah... What's up, Doc? Coming along nicely, eh?"

"Away you wascally wabbit! These cawwots awe fow me, not you!"

Whereupon Elmer flings sod at Bugs and sends him running.

Bugs stumbles across some eggs which were left over from the Beginning. One of these breaks and Bugs gets an idea.

He visits Doc again. Still finding him indignant, he throws the eggs at Doc. Due to Bugs' praeternatural aim, not one egg misses. The rancid odor clings to Elmer like glue. He stalks away to the outer reaches of the garden, growth withering in his wake.

Bugs happily takes possession of the Carrots.

Doc has found a place to sit & think & wash. All this time he thinks: "Wevenge.... wevenge. What shall I do fow wevenge?" Days and nights pass by as Elmer sits pondering. On the seventh day he arises and accomplishes the work of creation.

There appears a world in eternity. A world which is itself a growing, living thing. Upon this world appear life of all forms. Life which moves and life which does not. Life which is conscious and life which is unconscious. All shapes, sizes and outer forms - rejoicing at the chance to be.

Elmer charms a Carrot and approaches Bugs with it. Reluctantly, Bugs partakes of the Carrot and is imprisoned upon this world until such time as he sees fit to leave. But this he would forget for a time. Elmer is enchanted by the world he has made. He follows Bugs.

They have found a staggering wealth of variety and beauty. They have come to know the world far more thoroughly than they intended to. They remember how to leave, though they will not.

Truly, the world is their own, as they are the world's.

Manuscript Found in a Nunnery

It was the cows. It was always the cows.

This planet is going to be colonized. Yes, I’m talking space aliens here. But the cows are the first wave. You see, the aliens need the ultra-violet rays from the sun which the ozone layer blocks out. So they sent their workers, the cows, as advance agents.

All that methane, destroying our atmosphere.... Everybody knows that flatulent cows are what broke the sky, not aerosol spray cans... Yet no one does anything. Because to think that we’re being slowly killed by bovine farts is crazy. But we are.

Ever think about how cow milk supplanted human milk for babies? They want to get us while we’re young. Notice that we don’t feed babies goat’s milk, or yak milk, or any other kind of milk. "Got milk?" Who do you think pays for those commercials? Not the dairy farmers.... They’re subsidized by the aliens.

And we eat them. We eat them! How insidious is that? Weeding their way into our DNA, infiltrating our bodies and gaining control of our minds.... Ever notice how people who eat beef are more aggressive? How willing we are to exterminate each other? It’s the cows.... And the "vegetarians" are the worst of humanity – the weak. They’ve already succumbed to the alien/bovine control. They beg us to stop eating the meat, the flesh, knowing all the while how we scoff at them. You see, the aliens have studied. Oh, yes, they’ve studied. They know human nature better than we do.

They’ll use the cow meat blood lust to kill off the strong, and then kill the crazed, weak vegetarians slowly, with visions of steaks & burgers. Because without meat eaters to harass, the veggies will eat meat and then kill each other. It’s so perfect.

No one ever believes me. But I’ve seen. I’ve seen the truth and no one listens.

They need our planet. Why? Over-population. They have to expand. Little green Hitlers of the sky, they prey on the weak – those who buy into the cows.

Did you know that AIDS was originally introduced to this planet by one cow, a very special cow, with an altered DNA? And those few people who ate that cow became infected? And spread it all over the globe? This goes way beyond any government plot. The government means nothing, the cows are the real Illuminati. Cattle mutilations are the seeds of a future cover up. Stupid aliens!, we say. Look, they turn cows inside out! How fucking stupid! Don’t they know we’re the smart ones? All they do to us is give us anal probes! We’re much smarter than aliens, how much can they learn from our butts? DNA. That’s what they get. And they learn ways to manipulate it.

And they manipulate us through our computers. Think about it. The ones that come in the cow boxes.... "Gateway". How much more obvious can they get? The cows are the gate, mindless oblivion is the key. They know our DNA, now they have access to us electronically. How easy it is for them to send little electronic signals through these stupid boxes to control us even further. Ever watch a cow? The guy who invented digital electronics did. Everything is so simple to them – yes/no, in/out... Binary equations came to some guy who watched cows. Cows have no third option – they eat or they shit. It’s that simple. That’s why those stupid boxes are so infuriating, and why the aliens couldn’t resist a trademark cow box. "Look how simple this is! You humans won’t understand it at all."

The cows are everywhere....

I can’t talk to you much longer. They’re coming for me, I can feel it. They share our every thought. They won’t take me, they’ll turn me inside out. Some schmuck will get a lot of money for the pictures. I can’t tell you any more...... I can smell the approaching flatulence. They’re coming. They’re right outside the door. They’re waiting for you to put me back in my cell. Please don’t put me back there. Please.......

(Silence.)

(Note: Daniel Kemp was found, locked in his padded cell, shortly after this conversation. His body seems to have exploded from the inside. His straightjacket was intact.)

(Transcript to Our Lady, Grace of God.)

all text©2000 by Daniel Kemp

To return to the Westgate Links page, click here

To return to Daniel's page, click here